“I want you to have a happy love life…”

When this month’s blog started, I had every intention of writing an installment about relationship anarchy (RA). While reflecting on the direction of that piece, I realized that RA is really about the different kinds of love we feel and how we prioritize those loves.

Firstly, since I brought it up, let’s define relationship anarchy. RA is a concept most commonly used in non monogamous relationships. It refers to the ideology that romantic love and/or partnership is not the only kind of relationship to aspire to—that other kinds of relationships deserve the investment and priority that monogamous ideology has typically reserved for romantic relationships.

In 2005, I had a writing professor who would respond to questions about assignments that started with “what do you want….” by stating: “I want you to have a happy love life.” And we’d all giggle. But—along with so many other soundbites from that time in my life—it’s become a guiding light in my life.

It was easy to frame that professor’s question as a directive to have healthy romantic relationships, as so many of us have been taught that “love” means romantic love. Ultimately, I’ve come to understand her statement to mean she wanted us to prioritize love in our lives—all the kinds of love.

Social norms tell us that romantic love is the only love that matters. We too often understand close friendships as juvenile or sources of social support until we find the “ultimate support system” in our romantic life partners and the families we plan to build with them. Then we often isolate ourselves to this new family. Bachelor and bachelorette parties were created as goodbye to the friendships we’d be leaving behind on our wedding day.

Despite how we’re taught to prioritize romantic relationships in the US, there have been several studies over the last decade confirming the importance of non-couple friendships for both mental and physical wellbeing. See what the American Psychological Association has to say about it.

Another reason to not be dismissive of platonic connection is the increase in loneliness since the Covid shutdown in 2020. Loneliness has become so pervasive that even Dr. Ruth has taken on a new job title to address it.

When we combine a decrease in adults getting married (a 2021 Pew analysis based on 2019 Census data, roughly 40% of adults ages 25 to 54 were neither married nor living with a partner) with the reality that many of us are nursing Covid loneliness hangovers, friendship becomes less of a placeholder and more of a lifeline.

It’s no longer realistic—and arguably was never healthy—to build romantic partnerships with the idea that one person will be able to meet every need we will ever have. Our friendships are sources of support our partners can’t give and are the people we can go to when we are still sorting out what to say to our partners when we’re unhappy about something. They are people who can celebrate with us when we meet goals and hit milestones.

Friendships also serve as company for when we want to do things we like that our partners don’t want to do. The more people we connect with and spend time with, the more we learn about the different facets of ourselves to create fuller romantic relationships. The more we live independent lives within our longterm, romantic relationships, the more we have to share with our partners when we spend time with them.

What can this look like in practice? Have dates with friends. Set up a regular frequency to see one another (even if it’s once every 3 months). Try not to rely on the person who plays the initiator role in your connections to make plans (you wouldn’t do that in your romantic relationships). Plan trips with friends without partners. Ask about their lives outside of dating and relationships. Have holiday gatherings with friends (they’re not just for family). Are friends far away? Set up phone and video chat dates. And don’t forget the easiest outreach of all: a simple “how are you?”