90 Days
Stop Googling about your dating/sex/love life.
And please, please, please, stop following “dating coaches” on social media.
A few months ago, a Reel from a dating coach in the UK popped up in my feed (hazards of being a therapist who works in the world of sexuality and relationships). He was talking about the three month rule. Some of you are familiar, but let me break it down.
The idea is that after you meet someone with dating interest, if they do not know that you are a person with whom they want to have a committed relationship within 3 months, then they just aren’t interested in you. Sometimes the end conclusion is even more inflated: they’re using you for sex/attention/“narcissistic supply.”
After seeing this person make sweeping generalizations, I was immediately tempted to create my own….5 minute Tik Tok. I figured a new blog was the best way to go here.
Firstly, let’s ask ourselves: “What is the significance of 90 days/3 months?” In new connections (dating, platonic, sexual, professional, etc.), it often takes about the first 90 days to shed formalities and get to the “real” versions of ourselves. After that first three months, we start to see parts of people they might have been unintentionally hiding when we first met. This is even true in new therapeutic relationships.
So what does that mean for dating relationships? The suggestions that someone should know if they want a committed relationship with you within the first 90 days is misguided. It’s difficult to gauge compatibility accurately when we’re trying to avoid rejection and not showing some of our less likable qualities. Expecting people to decide on whether or not they want a committed relationship within that time risks committing to connections based on idealized versions of ourselves (in most cases).
To combat this, I often suggest clients create a list of the kinds of information they would want to know about a person to determine if they are compatible (i.e. “i want to know their worldview, relationship goals, etc.). Have you learned enough about those parts of a person to determine if they’re a good fit for you?
Secondly, how much do we really learn about someone in 90 days? This obviously depends on several factors: how often do you spend time together? What ways to do you each connect and/or communicate in between in-person time together? In what kinds of environments have you seen one another during that time?
I like to suggest for clients to think of dating timelines the ways we would getting to know a co-worker. You’ve been on three dates? How many hours are those dates? You’ve spent 20 hours with one another? How well would you know other people you’ve spent 20 hours with? This also gets tricky when chemistry in involved, as it often convinces us we know more about one another than we really do. Balancing the chemistry momentum with getting to know one another is a path to healthier relationships.
Thirdly, where is your attention when dating? Are you thinking about who the person is? Or are you focusing on finding someone to fulfill a specific role you’ve determined you need in your life? Are you looking for a parent for your potential children and measuring people according to the standards you’ve created for that label?
We are better able to find a compatible partner when we shift our attentions away from end goal labels and focus more on the person with whom we are spending time. That does not mean dismissing the importance of common goals, it means not dating based on two-dimensional labels.
Feeling anxious about establishing labels? It’s time for some exploration. What does that specific label represent to you? What do you believe it will provide for you? What qualities have you attached to that label and are those set of expectations motivating you to objectify dating partners? In turn, are you also objectifying yourself?
Fourthly, do you find you’re attached to specific timelines for your relationship goals? How do you feel about learning when people are not engaged around the 2-year mark? What’s it like for you to imagine feeling fulfilled in a relationship if you do not have children within the first few years of marriage?
Being open to the variation of how relationships build allows ourselves and others to be human. When you think about your friendships, were they all immediate connections or did some of them take time to build? Recent research explores how many hours it takes to build friendships and it’s a lot of hours.
The ultimate measurement of if a relationship is what it “needs” to be is: does it work for the people involved? Answering that often requires self exploration and honesty about what we are hoping others provide for us. It requires us to take responsibility for what we can provide for ourselves. It requires challenging all the messages we’ve been taught. It requires communication with our dating partners and being open saying and hearing “no.”
