Let’s Talk Consent…
In a time where we have opened up so many conversations around sexual assault, I’m often disappointed at the lack of nuanced conversations around consent. The majority of conversations around consent revolve around the yeses and nos. We’ve seen the rise of the “enthusiastic yes” over the last decade. And how can we forget the classic: “no means no.” Although these are helpful markers of consent, they don’t capture the full picture.
Consent isn’t just about drawing lines between assaultive behaviors and non-assaultive behaviors. Consent is about prioritizing pleasure.
In real life practice, consent is complex, relational, even fluid. When we restrict conversations about consent to assaultive behaviors, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to fully explore our wants and needs. We also prevent ourselves from processing confusing sexual interactions because we “said yes.”
At its most simplistic: Consent—regardless of the context in which we are consenting—is choice. In order to have choice, we need options. In order to have choice, we need a full understanding of what is being asked of us. Consent is collaboration and communication. Consent is respect.
So, what factors impact consent?
The option of saying no. If this doesn’t exist in our relationships, we can never truly say yes. Whether it’s an outright restriction on saying no or a less obvious emotional pressure, it’s important.
Legal stipulations: These are more traditionally addressed factors, such as age, use of force, or inability to consent because of substance use.
Positions of power: Does an individual have direct impact on a person’s access to resources, daily functioning, or goals?
Emotional and/or mental wellbeing at the time of consent.
Has all relevant information been disclosed to allow for a person to consent? (i.e. STI status, relationship status, kinds of acts each person is comfortable with, etc.)
And I know, I know: “But there are power dynamics in *every* relationship, Robin!”
This is true, but not all power dynamics impact another’s access to resources. There are also ways we can navigate natural power dynamics that prioritize consent. An example of this is asking open-ended questions, rather than “yes” or “no” questions. This allows for all parties to express their wants and needs more fully, ideally leading to deeper understanding of one another.
Consent violations are often the result of one party believing they know what the other wants and/or not being open to the other party’s wants/needs. Consent requires each of us to be in tune with what we want and communicate it.
Some ways we can increase the consent in our lives:
Take the time to assess what you want out of an interaction. This might take 30 seconds, 3 months, or 13 years. If you’re not sure, it’s perfectly acceptable to communicate that. If the person to whom you’re expressing your uncertainty reacts poorly or isn’t accepting of it, that’s important information. Respecting consent also means respecting an “I’m not sure.”
Say “yes” when you mean it and “no” when you mean it. So many different things can get in the way of this: People-pleasing behaviors, attachment to social pressures/expectations, etc. It’s not as easy as it sounds!
This last one comes from my own mom: If you’re not comfortable talking about sex with someone, you’re probably not ready to have sex with that person. This doesn’t necessarily mean kinky conversations or your specific wants and needs. It does mean: are you comfortable saying the word “sex” in front of this person? Are you comfortable talking about sex with this person, generally? Again, this might take 30 seconds, 3 months, or 13 years.
Being open to yourself and others changing how they feel and/or what they want at any point in an interaction. One yes is not a forever yes. It’s also ok if you’ve said no before and have decided to say yes later.
Consent can lead to more fulfilling sexual and emotional lives. It can help us nurture and grow familial and platonic relationships, as well. Consent requires personal accountability and trusting one another. And it’s not just for sexual touch!
***Please note: this is a brief overview of a complicated subject. There is lots missing from this post in order to keep it short.
Looking for trainings on consent? Let’s talk!
Looking for help navigating consent in your own life? Let’s talk!
